Q I can’t seem to fit in wherever I go. I have tried to make friends but people don’t seem to like me. I’ve never had any real friends, only classmates in school, but they didn’t invite me round to their houses or even to their birthday parties. I know that I’m ugly and a bit of a computer geek but I feel really lonely and wonder if it will always be like this. Life will be too painful without friends and I don’t know how long I can stand feeling so sad about it.
A Firstly let’s be sure that you are wanting to improve your life and not end it. If you are feeling so desperate that you are thinking of harming yourself in any way then please reach out and get professional help (your GP or local charities will be able to help you).
Secondly, assuming that you are still feeling optimistic about changing things for yourself, then let’s talk about how that can come about.
If you have become accustomed to be rejected and isolated then this will be what you expect, and there’s a good chance that you are giving this message out too.
This will probably be sub-conscious and automatic. It’ll also be counter-productive too because other people will sub-consciously be influenced by your beliefs and keep their distance from you.
On some level you’ve come to believe that you can’t ‘fit in’ – but it may well be the environment that’s not right for you to thrive in, and not be about you at all.
We all resonate with people who we perceive to be ‘like me’ and we feel less comfortable with the others. It may be that your classmates and college peers saw themselves as too different from you to feel OK about getting to know you.
It may also be that due to their age and immaturity they were judging you by a few superficial appearances and actions without getting to know who you really are…your character, your personality, your intellect, and your overall life-energy.
It’s not your job to educate them but it is your responsibility to find a better environment in which you can grow.
If you’re a computer ‘geek’ then find your clan of like-minded people.
We all need a sense of belonging and acceptance, to ‘fit in’ as well as to be separate from others. It’s all about getting the balance right for yourself.
You could join your local Meetup groups (www.meetup.com) and get to know people of different ages and backgrounds… which would expand your experiences. Just be warned that it will be a ‘mixed bag’ and some people you will like and resonate with, and others less so.
You can choose who YOU want to have in YOUR life.
You are creating your life with your thoughts and actions. Change these and your life has to change in response.
Ugliness is subjective, and certainly doesn’t equate to having a social circle or success in life… as many people on the TV prove to be the case!
If your childhood has left you with negative messages and beliefs about yourself then please download some of the FREE resources from my website – and see how you can change those old ingrained patterns which aren’t helping you to have the life you want.
There are many people who feel like you do, and don’t show it or reach out for help. Don’t be like them.
There is no shame in wanting to create a happier life for yourself and you certainly deserve it.
Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy)
www.maxineharley.com Where you will find FREE e-booklets and resources designed to help and inform you on your journey of self-knowledge and development