Q I’m feeling really confused and hurt by my mother’s lack of love and care towards me. I’m a single parent of a daughter, aged 4, and I can see the contrast so clearly now I’m a mum myself, and it hurts me so much. My mother chooses to have hardly anything to do with my little girl – which is perhaps a blessing.
I’ve given up trying to please my mother and to not make her feel ashamed or embarrassed by me. I know that I don’t do as well as I could in life because I don’t want her to be envious of me – how mad is that!
All the positive affirmations and mantras I see on social media and in books just don’t sink in – it’s as if I’m blocked from being happy and successful or being seen as any better than her. I don’t want to be unhappy and miserable like she is – yet she causes it!
I’m an only child and so her nastiness is all targeted at me – but I just don’t deserve it. It’s made me have problems with my self-esteem and friendships – as I end up finding people who boss me around or just want to use me.
I make sure I never rock the boat and I know I’m a fake – to make people like me more. I feel sad and pathetic.
People tell me to just put things in the past but I can’t. When I’m with her I feel like an awkward kid again. I want her approval, and to feel that she cares and is interested in me. I want her to make me feel safe and secure, to be kind to me and accept me and my daughter without those disapproving looks and guilt trips whenever I make a mistake (in her eyes).
The silly thing is I do feel guilty for ruining her life and getting in her way.
I want her to be a better grandmother than she is a mother. I feel disloyal and selfish even telling you about her. Am I wasting my time wishing for all of this from her?
A I feel sadness reading about your emotional wounds. Yes, you may be wasting your time hoping that she will heal them for you.
Our most primal and significant relationship starts from inside the womb. Our mother is our first mirror and she determines how we see ourselves and our world.
If that mirror is cracked and dirty because she hasn’t cleaned and repaired it then the reflections will be distorted. [Read more…]