Q I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and I thought it was going great. We have an amazing sex life and I thought he was ‘the one’.
At the weekend he told me by text that he’s married and won’t be seeing me again. He’s blocked me and won’t reply to my e-mails,’phone calls or texts. It’s like I don’t exist for him any more. I’m so hurt! I want to tell his wife (I’ve found her on Facebook) about us. Do you think I should?
A Ouch that must hurt! Please don’t react from your hurt place but instead try your best to keep the emotion out of your decision.
What would be the real reason for you telling her?
What outcome do you want?
What would you want if you were in her shoes?
Of course this has to be your decision and I know it’s a common dilemma for many women who feel they’ve been used as a ‘bit on the side’ and then discarded by a man.
I use the word ‘man’ loosely. He isn’t behaving in a mature, respectful, considerate, empathic or kind way. He lacks integrity and hard as it feels right now you will one day see that he’s done you a favour by stepping out of your life – even though he’s done it in such a despicable way.
When your emotions have settled down perhaps you can reflect back upon any early warning signs that he wasn’t physically or emotionally available…and what you did with those signs. Did you ignore them or rationalise them away?
I’m not suggesting that you become analytical with the next man you meet – just keep your eyes and ears open in the early days and find out about the man before the joy of sex clouds your perception and judgement.
I’ve been in your situation myself several years ago. I know the pain that comes from such deceit and the betrayal of trust. The pain will continue only for as long as you allow it to.
If you reframe this experience as a lucky escape from someone who isn’t right for you, then it’ll become more of a stepping stone to the sort of man who will be right for you. A man with integrity, good character and an attractive personality (amongst other things) 🙂
If you have a pattern of attracting unavailable men then you might need to look a bit deeper at your own motivation and needs. There might be underlying causes that stem from your childhood and subsequent experiences with men, as well as how you see yourself as a woman, and what you believe you deserve in life.
If you want to get to know yourself better and clear away any unhelpful conditioning or childhood programming then please have a look at my website for some free resources and other ways I might be able to help you.
Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy)
www.maxineharley.com Where you will find FREE e-booklets and resources designed to help and inform you on your journey of self-knowledge and development