Maxine Harley
MSc Psychotherapy
How’s your inner child feeling to today?
Mine is feeling bored and wants me to stop writing this, and to get outside into the sunshine, as well as find some yummy food to eat (preferably chocolate) right now!
The term ‘inner child’ used to be regarded as just American psycho-babble, but nowadays the term is coming out of the therapist’s office and into everyday language. [Read more…]
Q My parents are both very brainy, but I’m so scatty and stupid. I just don’t get it. When I was small they weren’t around much because of their professional careers and I had different nannies and au-pairs until I turned 12 and had to look after myself. I’m an only child, and was often ill and looked after by the ‘hired help’.
I seemed to be OK at school and I did manage to squeeze into college, but I think they’re ashamed of me because I haven’t made much of myself and I’m so forgetful and dumb.
I do now have a partner and would love to be a mum myself one day.
If I was more like them I think we’d feel closer, and they’d like me more and want to meet up with me more often. I wonder what’s wrong with me and why am I so scatty?
A I feel discomfort both at the way you describe yourself, and your ‘inner child’s’ longing to be seen, accepted, loved and valued for who she is…without any conditions being set.
Comparing ourselves to others is a quick route to self-doubt and unhappiness – and there’s really no point in it!
You have your own unique character and personality. You may share genes with your parents but that doesn’t guarantee that you will be a carbon copy of them. Would you even want to be? [Read more…]
Q I owe lots on my credit cards and have no way of paying it off. A couple of years ago a close relative helped me out and settled my debts on the promise that I would cut up the cards and never get myself into this mess again. But I have! I can only think it’s because I had very little as a child and we were always ‘watching the pennies’ and I didn’t feel as good as the other girls in my class who had much better stuff than I did. Could this be the reason I’ve got myself into debt again?
A Yes.
Feeling not as good as our peers is a powerfully shaming experience. One we don’t ever want to repeat… and we will do whatever we can to avoid feeling bad and ashamed like that again. [Read more…]
Q My parents gave me everything they could. They were ‘old hippies’ and were very laid back and easy going with me and my brother. My school friends used to be jealous of my parents and how ‘cool’ they were and how much freedom I got. My brother has ended up a druggy and been in prison; and I feel lonely, miserable and empty all the time. It’s not from bad parenting or my childhood, so why do I feel like this?
A It sounds like your parents followed the ‘permissive’ path to parenting you and your brother – which may have been a conscious decision to give you much more freedom than they’d had themselves as children.
Trouble is, sometimes the pendulum swings too far the other way – and inadvertently children still lose out and don’t get what they need. They grow up with weak boundaries and a lack of self regulation. [Read more…]
Q After 10 years of marriage we have decided to separate with a view to getting a divorce in two years time.
I know that lots of couples split up yet I hear very conflicting accounts of the effects upon the children.
I feel sad, disappointed and that I’ve somehow failed in my marriage, but I can see that we were never that compatible and we both fell in love with the notion of love. We have just matured and grown apart.
What do you think is the main problem we might need to work through to make all this less painful for our kids?
A I admire your heart-felt concern for the continuing welfare of your children.
I get the impression that this split is amicable and if so this will already be of benefit to your kids.
When you feel concerned about something to do with your separation, then try putting yourself in their place and seeing things from their (immature) perspective. This will help you to separate what is really your own concern or issue, and what might be one of theirs. [Read more…]
Q I can’t seem to fit in wherever I go. I have tried to make friends but people don’t seem to like me. I’ve never had any real friends, only classmates in school, but they didn’t invite me round to their houses or even to their birthday parties. I know that I’m ugly and a bit of a computer geek but I feel really lonely and wonder if it will always be like this. Life will be too painful without friends and I don’t know how long I can stand feeling so sad about it.
A Firstly let’s be sure that you are wanting to improve your life and not end it. If you are feeling so desperate that you are thinking of harming yourself in any way then please reach out and get professional help (your GP or local charities will be able to help you).
Secondly, assuming that you are still feeling optimistic about changing things for yourself, then let’s talk about how that can come about. [Read more…]
Q My kids are both nagging me for the latest games and fashion gear – but I just can’t afford it because I’m a single parent on benefits. They’ll have to make do with what I can get for them, and I get some great bargains from charity shops and car boot sales. My friend said the other day that giving them cast-offs will affect them when they grow up. Do you think it will?
A I have a two-sided response to your question. On the one hand I know from personal experience how shaming it feels not having the same quality or quantity of stuff that childhood peers have. It’s tough being a child who is ridiculed and stands out as different from their peers. Children can be very harsh – because many of them haven’t been brought up to be better than that. [Read more…]
Q My parents have told us that they’re going to get a divorce – they’re in their 50s! Me, my brother and sister are all in our mid to late 20s and have kids of our own and so this will upset a lot of people.
Mum and dad have always argued, bickered and even fought, and to be honest it would have been better in many ways of they’d spilt up earlier and we wouldn’t have had to witness it all as kids.
I can’t see the point of them divorcing now. All their kids are off their hands so they should be looking forward to a calmer happier retirement.
A I doubt they see themselves as on the cusp of retirement just yet 🙂
When we’re in our 20s then people in their 50s seem old. When we’re in our 50s then it’s people in their 70s who seem old.
The point is, assuming they’re both agreeable to this divorce, then they see themselves as young enough to start again if they want to, and to find a new partner. One of them may have already found someone else. [Read more…]
Q My husband and I have been together for 50 years, we were childhood sweethearts, and we’ve just found out that he has cancer and has been given three months to live. We never had children and maybe that makes it worse, or better – because they’d also have the pain of losing such a good man. I am numb, and I don’t know how to function. What can I do?
A I can offer only a few words of advice for you. What works for one person might be the opposite of what someone else needs, wants, or would find helpful.
All I can say is that this big shock and life-changing transition will take time to get used to…if you ever do get used to it.
Time is both your friend and enemy now…the precious time you have left with him is limited, and yet your time ahead without him may seem endless. [Read more…]
Q I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and I thought it was going great. We have an amazing sex life and I thought he was ‘the one’.
At the weekend he told me by text that he’s married and won’t be seeing me again. He’s blocked me and won’t reply to my e-mails,’phone calls or texts. It’s like I don’t exist for him any more. I’m so hurt! I want to tell his wife (I’ve found her on Facebook) about us. Do you think I should?
A Ouch that must hurt! Please don’t react from your hurt place but instead try your best to keep the emotion out of your decision.
What would be the real reason for you telling her?
What outcome do you want?
What would you want if you were in her shoes?
Of course this has to be your decision and I know it’s a common dilemma for many women who feel they’ve been used as a ‘bit on the side’ and then discarded by a man. [Read more…]
